Any topic, as you know, can typically be expanded. Therefore, though many of you have enjoyed and experienced tremendous success working with Goal Setting for the Recovering Excuse Maker e-book, thought supplemental information would be valuable to you. This content is intended to serve as a compliment to all the tools in my latest e-book.

Goals can be long term or short term and are very different than “to do” lists. It’s been said meaningful goals both excite and scare us. There must be an element of excitement to entice us forward. In other words, something YOU really desire or want for yourself. Be careful about incorporating “shoulds” on your list. “Shoulds” are things you know would be beneficial for you, or someone else desires of you, yet you are currently unwilling (for whatever reason) to take steps in that direction. If either of the previous two reasons were effective, you would have achieved the associated outcomes by now.

The “scare” factor relates to stretching our comfort zones. Logically we know this is essential for growth. In spite of what we know, many of us expend more energy and effort attempting to avoid anything that would have that very affect. This behavior, though often unseen or denied in ourselves, is easily and clearly identified in others. Desiring improvement; on any level, in any capacity or realm in life or business; while avoiding experiencing any discomfort is a contradiction and will prevent you from achieving what you claim to want.

Briefly, a “to do” list on the other hand, is simply a list of tasks. The tasks ideally align with your goals. Unless you are clear on your goals it is difficult to correlate the alignment of your tasks. In theory, even the mundane daily responsibilities relate to the essence of one or more of your goals.

Many of you are probably familiar with the SMART acronym. Though like me, you may have heard more than one version. The S, M and T have been consistent in my experience with variations regarding the A and R.

S is for specific. For example, “I want to spend more time with my significant other” is vague. “I intend to have a minimum of one date a month with my significant other” is specific.

M is measurable. There must be some form of quantitation in order to identify progress, otherwise we are guessing. Think of a time you thought you were dedicating a certain amount of time, money or energy to something only to learn the reality to be quite different. In some areas you could learn you have invested more than you realized and in other areas you may find what you allotted to be far less than you believed. None of this is known unless you’ve paused to assess. What aspects of your life and business have you measured and where are you guessing? For example, when a person who expresses limitations of their finances, says they hardly eat out and then you see them daily come into the office with a Starbucks (or whoever) styrofoam cup in hand. True, this is drinking as opposed to eating; however, it is an added and unnecessary expense when on a restricted budget. What are you overlooking; intentionally or unintentionally; that is obvious to others? See if you can resist the temptation to point out to others what they are missing or ignoring!

What words have you heard for the A? How about, achievable, attainable or actionable? Achievable and attainable basically mean the same thing. You may have a sense of knowing if doable for you or you may be functioning from the premise that someone has achieved or attained the goal and therefore possible for you. One word of caution here, many of us tend to underestimate what is possible for ourselves, especially when embarking on totally new territory. Actionable, can serve as a reminder that continuous, regular action is required. Believe all three options to be effective. Choose one, be clear what it means for you and get going.

Words you may have heard for R; realistic, relevant, and results oriented. Realistic is often best determined in conjunction with a supportive person who is familiar and focused on the process of achieving goals or with a coach. Best-selling author Larry Winget has said, “Never ask a person who is broke for financial advice.” What about workshops on communication where one participant who is either passive or aggressive agrees with another person of the same challenge to support each other in becoming assertive? Really? As apparent as either of these examples might seem, observe your own words and behavior and see what you discover about yourself.

Relevant is really up to the individual. If you assess your goals against the criteria of excite and scare you, relevancy will probably be taken into account. Results oriented can aid in keeping the focus on the outcomes which is a key purpose of setting and achieving goals. Again, as in A, have known all three terms to be effective, therefore you can follow what was outlined in that section above.

Lastly, the T represents the element of time. Designating a deadline creates a sense of urgency similar to how productive one can be just before vacation. The intent here is to address what is important to you before ending up in a situation of looking back regretfully.

Let’s face it; we all have dreams and desires. If you know what you need to do, how well has that worked for you so far to create the change you say you’d love to have? If you’re unaware of what you need to do, or if you’ve been doing what you think necessary without experiencing what you seek, it’s probably time to go beyond your current beliefs and actions.

The only way to convert aspirations into reality, instead of stockpiling wishes, is to value ourselves enough to take responsibility to get out of our own way and get rid of excuses. This is a process as we strive to persist in beneficial ways to create the sought after results. How do YOU get in your own way? Whether the answer to the last question is known or unknown, what is your next step?

This time of year tends to add a number of obligations to an already seemingly taxed list of duties. The word seemingly is used intentionally as often a strained schedule is the result of ineffective skill sets or poor self-care that simply become more intensified under pressure. Ironically, even then, most people are unable to draw the correlation between what they’re doing and what they’re experiencing.

We know proper self-care is important. We even claim to want to take better care of ourselves. One issue with knowing and wanting, they will never produce results. Of course they are necessary components; however, ACTION is the element that will lead to progress.

At our organizations, rarely are people paid for what they know, rather for how they perform. As strange as this may sound, it’s the same in our personal life. Whether professional or personal, payment can show up as chaos, blaming, poor communication/relationships, stress (including health and weight issues), procrastination and tardiness, apathy, self-doubt, “not my job syndrome”, morale issues or overwhelm.

“What?”, you say, those are hardly desirable outcomes. Agreed. Yet those are the exact “rewards” we get when we attempt to ignore what we know in our gut, make poor choices and neglect to take care of ourselves. An inability to value self is typically the root cause of these outcomes. Ironically, we want others to value us so we can feel valued and then treat ourselves valuable. Even though for some twisted reason many of us believe that reasoning to be completely logical, that approach is entirely backwards! We must first value ourselves.

It has been said what we least feel like doing is what we most need to do. For example, maybe we least feel like exercising because we’re fatigued, yet exercise is known to elevate energy. Maybe we least feel like doing a particular task, yet procrastinating causes stress and overwhelm. Maybe we least feel like taking responsibility, yet avoiding it causes self-doubt and apathy.

Another way to look at this concept is to consider the opposite, what we most feel like doing is what we least need to do. For example, maybe we feel like being a couch potato which causes lethargy. Maybe we feel like hitting or physically harming someone (the person you could do without) which has a variety of consequences. Maybe we berate ourselves which lowers our confidence and ability to perform. You may notice the word “feel” is omitted from the last sentence. Consciously you’d probably think no one feels like berating themselves. On some level however there is a degree of satisfaction. It’s interesting too, how we question “who feels like berating themselves,” yet many of us become very versed at this detrimental technique.

Letting go is essential to drawing more of what we want in our life and though an avid proponent of letting go of tangible items, the greater challenge can be letting go of the intangible, such as ineffective habits and excuses.

Life-long learning as you’ve heard me emphasize before, is the way to transform any undesirable behaviors. Learning for some indicates we have to be taught something new. However, true learning or a learned skill is when we can apply a concept. So rather than adding to a repertoire of “been exposed to” what about taking an idea you know and strengthening your ability in the application. Practice is the necessary path to successful implementation. For many, a struggle along the way is the willingness to be less than perfect until becoming proficient. Even though you may be far from ideal, what progress can you make with a little effort?

Consider striving to improve on any of the following simple reminders; that are beneficial this, and any time of the year . . .

• Pause, breathe, then respond
• Take a break . . . even a few minutes can have a significant impact
• Build into your schedule interactions with people or activities that are uplifting to you
• Disperse tasks you dislike to do amongst what you enjoy doing
• Note how you feel and what you need during times that have you on edge. Whenever possible make a change in that moment, or take a step in that direction as soon as possible.

Practice one or two of the items listed above as opposed to attempting to elevate your game in all areas all at once. A little at a time is the best way to make any improvement as that approach helps to solidify the changes along the way. Have fun; make it a game by seeing how many times you can apply an idea in a day. Then see if you can improve by one additional application the next day. Which one or two have you chosen to put your focus? Share them here.

Happy Holidays . . . and blessings for progress a little at a time!

“What’s working well is a question of regular practice in my home and in my office. That said, my humanness can get the best of me too, where a reminder is needed to get me back on track. The reminder may come from myself or from someone else. When you hone this habit, as is the case for all beneficial habits, you are better able to catch yourself when you drift off course and redirect. My mentors and coaches often ask this question of me as well which serves as another tool for success.

The question, “what’s working well?” is also frequently extended to my clients. Sometimes people are caught off guard which is demonstrated by silence hanging for several moments. This pause is very good. Why? Because they have been stopped in their tracks and are giving consideration to what they realize they have been overlooking. “What’s working well?” is a powerful tool to change our perspective. When we change perspective, we change our experience. Circumstances may remain the same, yet we open ourselves to new insights which create modification in our interpretation of events.

“What’s working well?” may seem like an over simplified question. Some may even consider it trite. In fact, you may scoff and believe exploring this question is a waste of time. After all, there are lots of problems, challenges, and issues. Agreed. There will always be problems, challenges and issues. Few of us like this fact. However, disliking it is ineffective in changing the point. The response, “sorry” comes to mind, though without problems, challenges and issues we never improve ourselves or our skills. Think about the last time you thought or mentioned you have a preference for something other than what you are facing. In other words, a desire to move beyond, grow from where you are to where you want to be. Be careful of shifting the focus to the external circumstances! Everything you experience is a result of your response as opposed to the actual event(s).

Recently, a loved one was in a car accident . . . with a deer. What’s working well? Everyone was unharmed and okay. They have car insurance. Other transportation is available during the repair. Everyone was unharmed and okay. You may be second guessing yourself at the moment or thinking, “Karen, are you paying attention? You already mentioned ‘everyone was unharmed and okay’.” Oh, really? How many times are you faced with a problem or challenge that you are blessed with the safety of yourself or others, yet brush right over that detail and focus on the problem? In the event someone is injured . . . or yes, dies . . . which happens . . . then we realize what we typically refer to as a problem is insignificant.

Acknowledging “what’s working well?” is a form of gratitude. This is very different than denying the existence of problems we face. Problems are real and exist, yes. Be honest, admit their presence, and most importantly, deal with them appropriately. A situation tends to worsen when we avoid what is our responsibility to resolve. We know this, yet amazing how often we can experience moments of amnesia. Also, the opposite; meddling in other people’s affairs; is extremely detrimental to all parties involved. A person is unable to learn a necessary lesson when we continue to interfere and we make all sorts of excuses and justifications for our actions. Ironic, we enable, and then get annoyed with them for ceasing to change their ways!

Why is it imperative to develop the habit of focusing on “what’s working well?” Simple, we get more of wherever we put our attention. How has continual focus on our problems ever helped? In my experience this only leads to frustration, lack of solutions and we still have our problems to solve.

The concept of getting more of whatever we think, speak and act on has been around for centuries. Adages such as . . .

• What you sow you . . .
• Something comes back to bite you in the . . .
• What goes around, comes . . .

Bet you could complete all of these with ease. Be especially careful when you think or say the last statement as it is often expressed in vindictiveness. Why be cautious? Reread the phrases. When you carry vindictiveness in your mind or heart, you are inviting the same back to you! That is why we can never escape or hide from ourselves; though many of us go to great length to attempt; rather we must transform our ways through action.

Start with areas that are easier for you to connect to the feeling of gratitude. Practice, practice, and practice some more. Yes, this will take time. Consider the alternative. Many are unaware that without the conscious commitment to what improves us we are on an automatic downward course to what is detrimental. The choice is yours. Persist through the discomfort of disciplining yourself or bask in the misery of ineffectiveness. When you experience significant improvement with this application, then proceed, ever so gradually, applying the concept in areas that are more of a struggle to identify “what’s working well?’ Oh, by the way, if you say you’re grateful for something (or someone) can others draw that conclusion by your tone, your expressions and your actions? Unless detectable, it is deception.

This month many celebrate Thanksgiving which has led to the association of focusing on gratitude and giving thanks. As opposed to a once a year visit, what if November became a benchmark for a measurement of your progress in this realm from the previous year? The journey always begins with a single step. What’s working well for you? Share your thankfulness here.

In gratitude and appreciation for each of you!

One thing for certain, ALL transformations are an inside-out process. The challenge is when minor adjustments occur they are typically undetectable to us. However, what’s invisible eventually becomes visible and that’s when we become cognizant. What if we made a conscious commitment on a daily basis to heighten our awareness? Meditation and the practice of mindfulness are two ways to help in this capacity.

Transformational processes can be voluntary. In fact, the more you are deliberate about improvements; personally and professionally; the greater control you have of your outcomes and the better you are able to respond to curve balls that are part of this human experience on earth.

Often though, the route can be unpleasant, difficult and even downright painful or ugly. Sometimes we are unaware of the gradual alterations; or know and attempt to ignore the signs; and then seem shocked at the occurrence of excruciating pain – such as root canals or heart attacks.

When dealing with changes you dislike remember the following:

• B-R-E-A-T-H-E – as silly as this may sound, this is often forgotten. Conscious breathing is important to send proper oxygenated blood flow to the brain which allows us to think clearer and better manage our emotions.
• Self-care – this of course is always essential to performing optimally, however in our humanness this is an area that many tend to let slide. Apply the HALT (hungry, angry, lonely, tired) formula and pay extra attention to eating, sleeping and exercise habits. We function poorly without proper food and sleep. Exercise (whatever type/level appropriate for you) helps to decrease stress and more effectively deal with feelings.
• Monitor thoughts and conversations for “don’t wants” and what is annoying, frustrating or problematic and shift to what is desired and what is working well (even if seemingly insignificant to what is “wrong”).

This last one tends to be the toughest for us to catch and redirect. How many times do we hear or say, “don’t forget”? That is an indication of “don’t want”. Instead we would be better served to say, “remember”. Our brains simply are unable to comprehend words other than directives.

When we put our attention to what annoys us, we attract more of what annoys us (the same or different person/situation) – law of attraction. We absolutely KNOW this and yet seem compelled to think and talk about what irritates us on some level. The more we repeat the cycle, the more our emotions intensify which keeps us spinning until we are convinced that is the only possible response.

Your support system will be critical to your success regarding this last bullet point; as well as all areas of life and in business. Attempting to “go it alone” leads to overwhelm, a belief no one understands, and staying stuck.

Some suggestions for support:

• Friends and family – this is a gray area as often well-intentioned loved ones unconsciously keep us in our “boxes”, attempt to control our lives (usually out of fear or desperation for our well-being) or simply are unable to provide the accountability or guidance needed. How many times has a loved one (or work colleague) offered insight you were unable to receive until shared from a third party?
• Support groups – everything from 12-step for various addictions to business networking to meet ups sharing common interests
• Clergy – religious or spiritual director or guide
• Counselors – qualified professionals to help you understand what has happened and why you respond as you do
• Mentors – successful professionals in a particular realm that can guide in a specific area
• Coaches – trained professionals to help keep you focused on the direction you desire, offer techniques and educate you to new thoughts and behaviors to succeed and provide motivation, encouragement and accountability along the way

No matter which support system you choose nothing will get you closer to where you want to be without your decision to start . . . do something different than you’ve been doing! Bottom line, what do you know you need (or would like) to be doing that you’ve yet to get started on or find yourself challenged to sustain momentum implementing? Who is best suited to serve as your support?

Even if you’ve already hesitated too long, more delays only prolong the inevitable, worsen the pain and escalate the challenge. There will always be a potential excuse to procrastinate. Give yourself a chance to create some fulfillment by starting wherever you are. Also, remember to avoid expecting instant gratification. How ironic when we are willing to continue on a destructive path because progress in desired direction seems to be absent.

Whatever transformation you are undergoing at any given time, the course will unfold smoother when you refrain from labeling it good or bad. Without judgment we create the path of least resistance and flow. To decrease stress, increase productivity and enjoy life more, strive to embrace the journey.

Seems many stop consciously learning after whatever level formal education they complete. Consider the damage of unconscious learning. Unconsciously, we are continually teaching ourselves. The very act of functioning daily is creating patterns. Anything we repeat becomes our beliefs and our habits. What percent of your learning is conscious and how much is unconscious? Sure, some will be unconscious. However, until we deliberately commit and follow through, the unfolding of life creates us and we feel we are out of control. When instead we devote ourselves to personal and professional development, we create by design.

Many will claim to be life-long learners . . . as long as someone else pays for everything. Totally agree there are times we need help along the way. Though like the countless people encountered in my workshops, my experience is that something happens when we dedicate our hard earned money toward our own improvement. Very grateful for my parent’s contribution to my formal education AND also very grateful they required me to contribute too. Even with that involvement, for years there was resistance and excuses on my part to take charge of my own growth. Learning after all, is another indicator of taking responsibility for ourselves. How well are you doing in that capacity?

Some expect their company to provide all the resources. When you are so blessed to receive such a perk, it is a perk, maximize the opportunity. What does that mean? First, attend the sessions! Think that sounds absurd? Having witnessed on multiple occasions; both as a presenter and as a participant; there are numerous people that sign in and then leave. It happens! Second, take and apply the information. This is where the real transformation occurs. Often you will need additional support. This brings me to the last and critical aspect, show you are equally committed to your improvement. For example, companies will often invest in their employees by providing initial trainings or form of support. Then when given the opening to continue the individual ceases moving forward.

Learning is an interesting phenomenon and essential for success, in life and in business. Formal education; though critical in certain fields; is in the whole scheme a small piece of the process. Degrees, certifications yes, are important. Yet when formally trained if you are ineffective with managing your emotions or interacting with others how skilled are you?

As children we are sponges, continuously exploring and absorbing. When we become adults eventually (hopefully) we realize some of what we learned is hindering us from achieving our goals and desires. To effectively learn as adults therefore, requires first we unlearn what is interfering. The unlearning is challenging and uncomfortable for a couple of reasons. One, we tend to have an attachment to what we know; even when producing results counter to what we want. Until we recognize this we vehemently defend what we know. Two, we affix meaning to what we’ve learned. These extrapolations we use (often subconsciously) to torment ourselves based on the association and significance we’ve connected.

What about common sense? Seems common sense to one is insanity to another. Why? Common sense is a deduction based on weighing data available; however, the data is in each of our heads. Even with the same information we rarely put the pieces together the same way.

A simple question can create vast responses, sometimes creating major disagreements amongst the parties involved. What is a truck? You may have thought of a semi, a pickup truck, an SUV or something else.

Okay, time to get honest with yourself. What is your level of commitment to your own development? What would a recording of you in action indicate? Avoid excuses, denial and berating yourself; simply get moving in the appropriate direction. If you’re still thinking about it nothing is happening!

Sure, it is important to be able to perform well in pressure situations. Pressure situations, however, get labeled as such because of the strain we feel in handling them. Where does the tension come from? Experiencing an identical situation, two or more people tend to produce varying degrees of anxiety. Why? This leads to the premise that the individuals involved are more the variables than the circumstances. Since people determine the impact felt, seems external aspects can be removed as a cause, and pressure, in reality, is a self-inflicted response.

Skeptical? When you’re running late, (imagine if you have to) is “lateness” causing your franticness or are the self-condemning thoughts about being late or even what others think about your being late creating your experience?

Maybe you’re apprehensive about an upcoming meeting. Is the meeting really the culprit or would we be more accurate to consider our confidence or ability to effectively communicate at the event or with the parties present as the real issue?

What about workload (personally or professionally)? The workload; usually some form of list of items or tasks; simply sits there unable to interact with us, we choose the message(s) to attach.

Keep in mind pressure is both positive and negative. Positive stretches us to grow in beneficial ways (as uncomfortable as may be); just like the process of diamond or pearl creation; while negative leads to blame and excuses!

Perfectionism for example produces both forms of pressure. A beneficial form of perfectionism is when we strive to perform our best. In this capacity one is committed to on-going self-improvement and a desire to function well. The desire is implemented through application of necessary and appropriate action.

A detrimental form on the other hand is when we berate ourselves for missing our mark. Condemnation is a destructive tool. When have you ever excelled from caustic behavior?

Sports (some of you of course are surprised) provide some perspective. A perfect game in bowling is three hundred. Yes, many professional as well as amateur bowlers have achieved this score. Many people have done so a couple times and even some have several times. However, to my knowledge, no one has continually and consistently bowled perfect games.

What about baseball? An excellent batting average is anything three hundred or greater. Four hundred is practically unheard of, although has been reached for snippets of time. Three hundred equates to successful hits three out of ten times. Using this formula as your criteria, how does your efforts compare?

Let’s look at football. Who knows of a quarterback who has completed every pass in their career? Even one hundred percent completion in a season has yet to be achieved. Some of you may be tempted to reference quarterbacks with ratings over one hundred percent. This is true. Consider though how few, based on the number of quarterbacks that play (have played) the game. Once achieved, is it maintained? In addition, the rating incorporates other factors.

Bring these references to yourself. When aiming for success is your view through a pinhole and on one tiny aspect or are you taking into account how the task fits into the greater scheme . . . of the project at hand and life/business as a whole?

That said, caution must be advised as to the fine line that leads to blame and excuses to performing subpar in regards to both effort and ability. This type of behavior ends up in denial. Often we start out knowing more is needed but convince ourselves either we’re incapable or we’re plain unwilling to act accordingly and resort to deception to avoid.

Consider the damage of the last concept. Remember the thoughts, words and actions of everyday are creating your habits, your character and your tomorrows.

Practice, conscious or unconscious, once again determines your results. Practice negative, berating pressure and you deplete your confidence, generate excuses and create high stress. Utilize pressure positively to stretch yourself and grow then your confidence increases, responsibility is embraced and success (as you define for yourself) in life and business is experienced.

The next time you feel pressured, STOP, take a breath, pause to ask yourself, “What am I doing to myself?” Take another breath and then consciously choose the thought, word and action that align with what you claim you want and are attempting to create. You, like many of us, may have to apply this several times in a variety of situations. Critical point, the emphasis belongs on the willingness and persistence to choose in the moment when necessary as opposed to having faltered causing the need for redirection.

This can be a challenging question for all involved. If either person has
previously set the stage for argumentative behavior or the unwillingness or
inability to receive feedback, posing such a question can be more detrimental
than beneficial. That would probably best fall into the “better left alone”
category.

Who determines the level of customer service? The customer of course! Why
state what may appear to be obvious? Same reason there’s no such thing as common
sense. Common sense and “the obvious” are only common sense and obvious to the
person who is able to see or grasp the concept in question. We could go on and
on with examples to illustrate the last point, however, that would detract from
the focus here.

To provide excellent customer service to others we must first provide
excellent customer service to ourselves. Why? We can only give to others what we
have within us. Suspect you’ve heard the often used example . . . what comes out
of an orange when you poke it? Juice. What kind? Orange juice. Many think the
last question is a silly one, however, the analogy clearly conveys the concept.
Want an indication of what’s really inside you (or maybe not)? Notice how you
respond in challenging situations. The good news is if you dislike what shows up
you can take appropriate steps to improve.

What about when you dislike other people’s behavior? The mistake we make when
we are the target of what we deem unacceptable behavior from another is that
their conduct is about us. Though we may be in direct line of impact, the
reality is we are seeing a reflection of their perceived value to themselves and
how they treat themselves. Making someone else’s behavior about us is actually
an excuse for taking
responsibility of our own response.

Pertinent question to use in any situation is, “What is the best way to
handle the situation to get the desired result?” Notice consideration of what we
feel like doing is set aside. As opposed to negating our feelings, the goal is
deciding what outcome we are striving for.

At times, many of us can get caught up in rather being right than happy or
effective. This very temptation loomed for me recently when a file from a
previous service provider was sought. My point of contact informed me she has
since parted ways with the creator of the file. In addition, when asked for the
name and any contact info, the response was curt (my interpretation of email).
Emotionally, and certain the name was known; even if the rest of the contact
info was outdated; there was a strong internal pull to ask again, only for the
name.

Where was this conviction getting me? Frustrated and fuming with negative
energy. And need it be said no closer to obtaining the sought file. What was in
my control? My response. Therefore, consideration was best dedicated to what
options were before me and how they would impact me and my operation.

How is this related to customer service? Acutely aware without better
customer service to myself there’s an inability to provide excellence to my
direct customers. The choice was clear. Allow the person involved (or the
situation) to continue to have a detrimental impact or shift the energy. When facing such
interactions are you sucked into someone else’s stuff and surrendering your
power?

What seems to interfere for many is drawing the conclusion that in letting go
of being right the other person IS right; and horrors, maybe gloating thinking
they got the best of us or the situation. When does the person or situation
really get the best of us; when we let them consume us or when we keep focus on
what’s truly important and valuable to us? Agitation remains when concentration
adheres to being right or the dislike of the unfolding of the interaction.
Freedom, effectiveness, excellent customer service all result when we keep the
attention on what we value. What do you claim to value? How well are you
thinking, speaking and acting accordingly?

Sure, certain facts; as unpleasant or undesired as they may be; will still
exist. However, ask yourself how is remaining stubborn benefiting you, changing
the circumstances or helping any aspect of your life or business. Bottom line,
you can only offer what’s inside and what’s inside is your decision and
independent of anything or anyone outside of you. Where in your life or business
could you let go of being right and deliver greater customer service to yourself
and those you serve?

Whenever we choose to pursue or persist in a toxic relationship it is a choice, conscious or unconscious. Typically we are motivated by some sort of payoff or benefit when we maintain such a relationship. What’s right for one may be wrong for another.

The key is awareness in choices making, what it costs you, what you gain and the results achieved. Awareness is the critical component that nets ownership instead of excuses. Ownership empowers and allows a person to create the life and results they desire. Excuses lead to blame and functioning with “victim thinking”.

Step 2 – Excuse Maker
Believed outcomes in my life were not in my control
Step 2 – Recovering Excuse Maker
Believed I control every outcome in my life
(From 12 Steps of an Excuse Maker/12 Steps of a Recovering Excuse Maker poster)

Some common payoffs . . .

• Working with a toxic boss because you love what you do, the other people you work with and the steady paycheck/benefits
• Interacting with a toxic family member in order to be able to connect with other family members that might otherwise be prohibited
• Staying with a toxic significant other because the person has a trait we wish we had; thereby living vicariously
• Maintaining toxic friendships for things they do for you

The terms “toxic boss,” “toxic family member,” “toxic significant other,” and “toxic friendships” are all relative terms. In other words the emphasis here is which relationships in your life work well for you and which are having a negative impact. Name calling puts the focus on others which leads to blaming and excuses. The subtle shift from labeling other people to taking full responsibility for the relationships in your life has a significant difference in results.

When choosing one of the above payoffs or something else, in order to succeed at minimizing the impact of negativity or drain to you, you must keep your focus on the payoffs. As soon as your attention shifts to the toxicity, you have surrendered your power and become toxic yourself; whether expressed inwardly or outwardly.

Also, recognize every time you think or talk about that toxic person, you are choosing to inject yourself with more toxins. Here lies a root cause of blaming and poor effectiveness known as disconnect; the inability to link thought, word or action implemented with results experienced. Disconnect is often evident by language such as: “I can’t help it”. . . “I just want to tell you what happened” . . . “Well, it’s true.”

• Tips to overcome disconnect . . .
• Change “can’t” to “won’t” and at least empower yourself by being accountable for choice you’re making
• Stay in tuned to your emotions. If you (or who you’re telling) are reactionary and in any way fueled with emotions, you are no longer “just telling what happened,” you are feeding the toxin
• Consider how thinking or stating the truth helps you or the situation. What if instead your thoughts or conversation were about something uplifting?

Change will only occur when we decide our cost becomes more than our payoff. In the meantime, as long as you choose to continue in a toxic relationship, having a high commitment to a healthy means of releasing any detrimental effect would be essential to avoiding the toxins from taking root in you. The detrimental impact shows up in our lives as costs such as: time, energy, peace of mind, unpleasant disposition, carryover into other aspects of life as well as side affects.

Then, when you’re ready to move beyond the toxic relationship, what if you simply viewed you and the other person as on different frequencies or wavelengths rather than identifying either person or the relationship as good or bad? Why? Remember, what’s toxic for you may work for someone else and this approach also prevents judging and other destructive characteristics.

How do you make the change once you decide? Imagine each person or relationship as a radio or TV station. Some you like and tune into while others you dislike and bypass altogether and still others you may be totally unaware of their existence. How often do you tune into something you dislike and continue watching or listening? More than likely you simply change the station or refrain from visiting the channel. Notice who makes the adjustment, you do! The frequency always exists; you take ownership for your tuning in and therefore your experience. If you continue to think or talk about a channel you dislike, you feel, . . . . well, however you felt that triggered you to change or skip a particular channel.

A person or relationship is the same way. Sometimes we’re on different wavelengths that are, for whatever reason, misaligned. Neither is good or bad, right or wrong, simply misaligned. Think of oil and water. Separately they both serve tremendous benefit in a variety of capacities. Together however, they’re unable to blend well.

What toxic relationship (or relationships) are you currently sustaining? What are your payoffs? What are your costs? Which is greater? How are your choices working for or against you? What adjustment could you make? What will you implement?  Share your action step and take yourself and your business to the next level!

Sometimes talents can be hidden behind excuses or even masked underneath what others may view as an annoying habit. Another common response is to dismiss our abilities – especially when acknowledged for being good at a particular skill.

Consider the following:

• What do you notice others doing that you could do as well or better?
• >What compliment(s) do you tend to respond, “No big deal” or “That was easy/nothing” or anything that demeans or dismisses your ability?
• What characteristic are you expressing when some people find you annoying that would be an asset in certain professions?
  ie) Ask endless questions . . . . . reporter
  Persuasive when person adamant about their stance . . . . . attorney
  Unaffected by “No” answers . . . . . sales

Additional note about first bullet point above. Some might view this question as egotistical or trigger a “gremlin”  thought of “Who do you think you are?”. Thought may be egotistical if putting someone down in the process, yet what many overlook is they’re putting themselves down when they negate their talent or acknowledge it yet let it lie dormant. Recognizing you can do something as well or better in its beneficial form however, is about inspiring action where there has been complacency. The “gremlin” voice angle is typically a scolding approach that prevents us from expanding our abilities and opportunities. The key is to take the seeds we’ve been granted and do what is necessary to create blossoms. This reminds me of the expression Bloom where you are planted.

We also may utilize our talents in a particular area of expertise and then forget to apply in another capacity of our life. For example, singers are very versed in the importance and application of centered breathing. Yet when interacting with someone they find difficult or faced with an unexpected event, may be stressed due to ineffective breathing.

Still others are quite skilled in an area totally unrelated to their position or current profession. At times these qualities may be a hobby, however, many also tend to do nothing or little with these characteristics which prevents us and others from experiencing the benefits. The challenge for many in this type of scenario is the belief; whether of own convincing or influence from others; that one is unable to earn a living doing x, y, or z. This is an excuse.  Why? As long as someone is earning a living at x, y, or z, then the possibility does exist.

It is important to keep in mind developing talents involves risk, especially in the early stages. We may be quite raw and experience uncomfortable feelings and discouragement. A great analogy my best friend recently shared with me is very appropriate with this concept. Plants that experience frost damage, when tended to, can be restored, and in fact, resurrect better than they were. That is indeed the case with lantanas in my front yard. Phoenix had quite a cold spell (agreed, it’s all relative) that damaged the plants and left me questioning what their chances were for survival and revival. After proper pruning and watering they have all re-bloomed nicely . . . and . . . the colors are even more vibrant!

Bottom line, it is a choice to expose a talent and take appropriate steps to hone that ability. This is the case whether you own your own business, work for an organization, or on a personal nature such as with family. Think of where our society would be if everyone were unwilling to embrace their gifts and take the risk to expand. We’d be without the insights of Albert Einstein; the inventions of Thomas Edison; the courageous progress of Rosa Parks and Harriet Tubman; the masterpieces of Michelangelo; the music and industry advancements of the Beatles, Elvis Presley, Michael Jackson; to name a few.

Maybe future history books will exclude mention of your blossoming talent, and then again, maybe you’ll be included. Maybe your expertise will be hidden from the public eye at large, though with current technology, exposure is more possible than ever before. At minimum, you and the people you surround yourself with (personally and professionally), the lives you serve and touch on a regular basis, deserve your full commitment and effort to sharing the wealth of benefits that can only be reaped from embracing and developing the talents within. What lies dormant within you? What has been nudging you to expand that you’ve been ignoring? What is totally untapped due to a lack of personal development?

Seed gestation to blossom generation takes time, commitment and persistence. What are you waiting for?

It is up to each of us to be responsible for generating our means to living the life we desire. When we are acting responsibly, it is also important to be open and receptive to allowing our wealth to be expanded in a variety of ways. Otherwise limited thinking also limits our possibilities. These limitations may show up as an inability to recognize different forms of monetary expansion and therefore overlook the blessings bestowed upon us. These limitations may however also result from excuses, negating or dismissing other avenues as trivial (“Where’s that going to get me?” or “That little bit won’t make a difference”) and lacking follow through with what’s necessary to have them come to fruition ( “I was uncomfortable asking if there was a payment plan available”).

Though possibly a given; it is pertinent to note here that one must continually be improving their own capacity and effort along the way. Failure to do so, one succumbs to expectations of others, which cause tremendous damage.

How? Expectations of others set the people involved (including ourselves) and the situation up for disappointments. This of course is detrimental for all involved. Ironically, many of us fail to notice we’re the very cause of our tremendous pain. Having expectations of others (no matter the relation – family, friend, business interaction etc) stems from an entitlement perspective; whether one admits it or denies it; based in self-centeredness that often results in us feeling “owed”. Recall a time you felt wronged or cheated. How long ago was the actual incident? How did you grow from the experience or are you still harboring ill-natured feelings?
Now think of a situation you were able to move beyond feeling “owed”. As you reflect on the situation, what made the difference in your willingness or ability to let go? Many have shared that no matter what the “wrong-doer” (or anyone for that matter) said, did or gave; there was still a feeling of being wronged or cheated and they found themselves looking for more. This is because those wounds are only healed from the inside out.

If you’re still wrestling with feeling wronged, cheated or “owed”, let me offer a great message recently heard in church that hit home for me – “focus on your own inability to love (unforgiveness, greed, envy, wrath etc) instead of another’s behavior”. OUCH! To be clear, focusing on one’s own vice is with the intention to make improvements, berating self is unadvised.

Before sharing some opportunities that have blessed my life, let me first acknowledge there may be a variety of experiences with what’s listed and a multitude of other scenarios beyond mine. That said, where are the items (or other similarities) applicable in your life? Speaking of acknowledgment, a correlation stream that is important to remember is when we’re unaware, we lack recognition. Without recognition there is no appreciation. These two attributes are the necessary fuel to receiving (being blessed with) more.

Here are some examples (blessings) of different forms of monetary expansion from my life:

• Tax return received. (How have you used yours? Commitments, investments, frivolous?)
• Held a yard sale and received exact amount for expense at hand (plus the process of de-cluttering is therapeutic and clears the waves for new)
• Participated in grant which allowed me to work with Three Dog Marketing
• People/businesses who accepted payment plans
• Exchanged services to meet all parties needs
• Modified business phone plan for lower monthly cost
• Borrowed money from family – ALWAYS paying back!
• Found money (mostly coins) – it all adds up! (Ask my Mom how blessed I am in this capacity)
• Rebate checks received
• Opted to eat home instead of out
• Met and secured new clients through networking
• Improved my skills to be more effective and provide greater value
• Involved in activities that raise the vibrational energy state (such as: meditation, exercise, smiling, pleasant demeanor, positive thinking, interacting with upbeat people etc) allowing for greater receptivity to attracting other higher energy state outcomes

What else have you experienced? Share your thoughts here.

Though some steps in and of themselves will be incapable of seeming to make a difference; like many aspects of our lives; it is the culmination effect over time that produces results. Many of these can produce immediate benefits as well as throughout the year. We tend to have certain thoughts, however, associated with particular events and therefore maybe we’re a little more conscientious at the moment due to the tax season. Anytime we have a heightened awareness is always a great opportunity to implement improvements. Act now before the momentum vanishes. Remember, without any modification, you will most likely be having the same conversation with yourself again next year at this time. What excuses will you transform so a year from now you can celebrate more progress than simply being a year older?